


Not Your Kid

by GallifreyGod



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Heavy Angst, House Hates His Emotions, IVF, One Shot, Pre Season 5, Pregnancy, Semi Out of Character, author is sad, unrequited love that isn't actually unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 16:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16329842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyGod/pseuds/GallifreyGod
Summary: AU: Cuddy decided to try IVF one more time and is successful. (Pre season 5)House handled pain. Not very well, of course, but he managed it. Vicodin isn't supposed to take away emotional pain though, but he would never admit that there was any emotional pain. This was about Cuddy. This was about her needs, not his own.





	Not Your Kid

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! It's my first Huddy fic! I've been trying to branch out to writing most of my ships and so Huddy was next on the list. I miss House MD so much :/ I'd kill for a reboot but only if Cuddy was on the show again too hah.  
> Anyways, I hope you like it :)

He had remembered the joy on Cuddy's face when she had rushed into his office that Tuesday, pregnancy test in hand. The second round of IVF had worked and tears of happiness were filling her eyes. What he had done for her was out of care, whether he would admit it or not. He saw how much she needed this and it wasn't like he would have any responsibilities over the kid. He was just the...  _donor_. 

He had been there for her through the entire fertility process, the shots and the pills and the band-aids. He may have not been the emotional shoulder for her to cry on, but he was there. Through the entire time, House had never really thought about the impact it would take on him. He was doing this for her, not for himself; so what reason was there for him to think about himself? 

He would never catch himself saying out loud that he cared about Cuddy and her feelings. It didn't need to be said. He would do what he could to help her, that was evidence enough. He had spent his time through the IVF just trying to hope that it would work for her. Not a single thought was paid to his own attentions. He wanted her happy, and that's what friends did, right?

But as the weeks dragged into months and he watched her grow into being pregnant, he found himself fighting off the thoughts of himself. He had never been too keen on the idea of having kids. But this baby wasn't his, it was hers. All he was in this situation was the genetic component and a friend. So why did it start to hurt? 

House handled pain. Not very well, of course, but he managed it. Vicodin isn't supposed to take away emotional pain though, but he would never admit that there was any emotional pain. This was about Cuddy. This was about her needs, not about his own. He knew that when he agreed to help her so he knew he had to stick with that unspoken promise. 

Although he was the 'father', he wasn't the 'dad' to this child. He never would be. That wasn't what he signed up for, and he reminded himself of that quite often. His role of being the second party in this situation didn't end when the IVF worked. He was there for more than he bargained for. He was there to hold her hair back when the morning sickness kicked in. He was there when she heard the heartbeat for the first time. He was there when she found out the sex of the baby. He was there for whatever she needed. 

When Cuddy had reached 6 months, she had come to him in a panic. She hadn't felt the baby move in quite some time and was growing nervous. House was the one who was there with the ultrasound wand, showing her that the babies' heart was very much still beating. He was there when she cried with happiness and relief too. When he went home that night, still shaken up with silent fear, he had finally let himself have a moment of emotions. Almost as if he had been holding his breath the entire time. He was growing attached, and he hated it. 

As the months passed, he continued to remind himself that he was  _not_  having a kid. This was Cuddy's. He didn't regret helping her, not even a little bit. She was happy and glowing, her dreams had finally come true. He regretted not being able to get a hold of his emotions. He regretted not being able to turn his feelings off, as if there was a lever on his body to do so. He regretted underestimating this. 

He had helped Cuddy assemble the crib, like a _father_ would. That one had hurt worse than the others. God, he didn't even like kids! Why on earth was he so bent out of shape about it? But looking down at the instructions and bags of screws to the stupid thing, he couldn't quite understand what he was feeling. He'd never be able to look down into that crib and see his own product sleeping soundly. That isn't what he signed up for. But why did it hurt? 

Over the course of Cuddy's pregnancy, House's quick wit and humor had died down when it came to being in her presence. He tried to pick up more hours at the clinic, saving her the stress of arguing with him about it. He made less remarks about her ass and only opened up his mouth when she spoke to him. She had asked him on several occasions if he was okay, seeing as he wasn't acting himself anymore. He had answered simply with a 'yes' and moved on. 

It hurt to look at her. It hurt and he didn't know why. He had come to the conclusion that the less time he spent around her, the better. Not that it was anything against Cuddy, but more about taking the pain away. House was never one to second guess himself, but now he was second guessing everything. He didn't even want a family, right? 

She was having his kid; but it wasn't really his kid. He had tried to think of a million different ways to explain it to himself but none of the words in the English language could describe the situation. House hates feelings, simple as that. Even more than that, he hated having feelings that he didn't want. He hated the pain in his chest that burned so bad that he forgot the pain in his leg. 

He wasn't giving anything up. He wasn't going to be locked down to a new responsibility of raising another human. He had no sacrifice to give. As far as he knew, he didn't want to either. Nothing in his mind was able to explain why it hurt. Almost as if there was a huge cement barrier between him and his knowledge of why this was so fucking painful for him. 

It wasn't his child, it wasn't supposed to be anything to him. But now he started to understand why he would instantly jump in front of a bus to protect something so small that he didn't even know yet. It wasn't even a human yet, it was just a fetus. It wasn't his to care about. 

"You're being so damn distant lately!" Cuddy's words reverberated in his head for weeks after that. She was 28 weeks and 4 days when she said it, and she said it because it was true. He had barely looked her in the eye for so long it was terrifying her. 28 weeks in and the thought of having a conversation with her made his stomach ache. He had no explanation of why he had been distant. Maybe it was just some sort of survival mechanism. Detaching himself so it wont hurt as bad later on. 

Cuddy wore pregnancy like it was her job. She had taken a whole new meaning to a pregnancy glow. She looked amazing, House would admit it. He was glad that she was happy, she deserved it. Wilson always joked around that House was in love with Cuddy, but the jokes weren't funny anymore since it was an actual threat. No, he wasn't in love with her, that would be silly. Maybe even as silly as him being her sperm donor. 

He held her hand through the amniocentesis, trying not to engage too far into the conversation between her and her obstetrician. Instead, he just tried to fill his head with mindless elevator music to drown out the baby terminology. He was there for her though, that was what mattered. 

When Cuddy reached 30 weeks in, House had found a whole new area of concern plaguing his mind.  He had grown up without a decent father, and now this kid wouldn't have one at all. He knew Cuddy was a strong woman, definitely capable of raising a kid to be the best they could be without a father. She had enough love in her heart to make up for it too. But it still worried him. Would the kid feel abandoned the way he did? No matter what the situation, he wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy. Now his own kid would feel that? Wait.. no, it's not his kid. 

If anybody besides Cuddy had noticed the change in House's attitude, they didn't mention it. It was most likely that they didn't dare speak up about it since they knew the situation. The people who he spent a majority of his time with were people who were able to understand their own emotions. They knew House couldn't do that. Maybe they had thought about what it would be like to be in his shoes right now and realized what he was probably feeling. 

House and Cuddy both had come to the mutual decision that he wouldn't be in the room during her labor. But when the time came and her water broke, she was too afraid of being alone. As soon as he had heard one of the nurses chatting about how Cuddy seemed scared and lonely, he had rushed in to her room and stayed with her. She didn't argue it and he wouldn't have listened if she did. 

After an hour of scream filled pushes, a flailing pink baby was set on Cuddy's chest. House could barely bring himself to look, and in the midst of all the chaos, he darted out of the room. He had done his part, did what he could do. He didn't see Cuddy's heartbroken face when she looked over and realized he was gone. 

House had always been one to say that 'Babies aren't cute, they all look the same,' but something felt different this time. When he had made that split second glance at the baby, he would've agreed that she was beautiful. His daughter, who was not his daughter. She was beautiful.

A few hours later, he had mindlessly walked to her room. Peeking his head in the door, he saw an exhausted yet amazed Cuddy lying in bed with the baby in her arms. His heart clenched and there was nothing he could do to make it go away. They had made it this far.

"Hey," Cuddy grinned softly, pulling him out of his daze. He looked confused, tired, stressed... even more so than usual. Nine months of battling with his own thoughts and feelings began to show in the way he carried himself. His posture was off, his shoulders drooping down. He looked mentally exhausted. 

"Congratulations," House offered simply, taking a seat in the chair next to her bed. He tried not to look down at the baby, fearing it would make the pain worsen. Nine months later and he still hadn't come up with an explanation for the pain. Although, deep down he truly knew why, without being able to admit it. He knew that it was because he was watching the opportunity to have something meaningful in his life drift away. He knew that his job was no longer fulfilling enough and that he was going to be signing away his rights to a chance at making his life deeper than work. 

Cuddy smiled and looked down at her daughter contently sleeping in her arms. Joy. That was the name she had picked and it seemed fitting. "She has your eyes." Cuddy whispered, not taking looking away from the baby.

"All babies have blue eyes when they are born." House interjected.

"No," Cuddy shook her head gently and smiled. "Hers are ice blue, just like yours. So blue that you could drown in them if you weren't careful." she looked up at House, her hair was still slicked with sweat and stuck to her forehead. "Do you want to hold her?"

House shook his head softly, declining the offer. No, it would hurt too much. Once he held her he probably wouldn't be able to let her go. She may be his biological daughter but that baby was all Cuddy's. 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, just taking in the feeling of being in one another's presence. To House, it was some what relieving that Joy was here safe and sound. he didn't know how he would've been able to handle it if something had happened. That thought had kept him up at night sometimes. But she was here, Cuddy was happy, and he had done his part. 

As House had gotten up and began reaching for the door to leave, he heard Cuddy speak. She looked at him, small tears beginning to well in her eyes. "Thank you, House." she whispered, giving him a true look of sincerity. 

He nodded gently, adverting his eyes to the floor. 

_Maybe in another life..._


End file.
